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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  August 24, 2012 7:10pm-7:45pm PDT

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mr. pattinson will come out. but you do have about 15 minutes of vice president shall jokes to plow through. we have to catch up on the weekend's political events. this is a comedy show dealing mostly with politics. in politics, there was only one story to cover this weekend. >> breaking news. mitt romney chooses wisconsin congressman paul ryan as his running mate. >> jon: wait. what? that guy next to romney is not already a romney? are you sure that's not like rick romney or chad or buzz romney? apparently romney unveiled his vice president shall choice at a rally on saturday morning on on the deck of the battleship u.s.s. wisconsin a ship on which
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both men served i'm sorry a ship where they were served refreshment. >> please welcome the next president of the united states, governor mitt lomb knee. ( cheers and applause ) governor mitt romney. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: okay. here i come. oh, boy, golly, that's a lot of stairs. oh, yes, oh, is that another escalator. okay. can i get a zip line to this [bleep]. the main event >> join me in welcoming the next president of the united states, paul ryan. >> jon: that's funny. that's funny. a little bit of a small gaffe. obama actually did the same thing in 200. it's not a big deal unless the crowd has a really long time to think about how awkward the mistake is while the next
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president of the united states makes his way down the stairs and over the monkey bars, down the rope swing. disappears underneath the... wow. let me say this. a good thing they didn't pick chris christie. ( cheers and applause ) that's never going to happen. i'll run in 2016. the media's reaction to romney's selection was swift and universal. >> what mitt romney did is created enthusiasm, energy, authenticity and substance. >> it will make sure we're talking about substance and solutions. >> we can have a race where we talk about the real issues of our country >> many people have spent the past six months saying, guys, when is this election going to get serious?
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it just got serious. >> jon: because of paul ryan? as the media, wouldn't you have made it a serious discussion about the real issues from the start? or did a gypsy put on curse on you? hello, media, you will babble bull [bleep] until a man from the north country is chosen by the mormon. good luck. he will never make it. (maniacal laughing) and as part of [bleep] you'll be forced to tweet. if this what it takes so be it. to the substantive new discourse >> he was prom king. sleeps in his office likes to hunt elk even drove the famous weaner mobile >> he gets a charge out of the catching giant catfish with his
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bare hands >> he would be the first from wisconsin and the first named paul. >> already teaching the ryans the beauty o peanut butter and honey sandwich >> he's a fitness buff who got some of his colleagues hooked on a grueling exercise routine called p90x. >> jon: how interesting. paul ryan... a little concerned that someone with that much power is so susceptible to late night infomercials although we know biden's challenges with the impulse control started with the snugg >> e and bought a swilt, a sweater-quilt. he also owns two pairs of socks and obviously for state occasions the snug-kito.
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please, mr. ambassador, make yourself comfortable. i have. all right. we get it. the guy is a workout machine. he can catch catfish with his bare hands even though he could use a reel easily. is is there any substance that we can talk about here? >> paul ryan was a terrific decision has brought enormous energy to this ticket >> he's exciting. he's young. he's attractive. he's energizing the base >> there are a lot of parallels to sarah palin >> feels like it could be sarah palin with substance and a paper trail. >> jon: so not sarah palin. you can't just say a thing is just like another thing but without the thing that defines that thing. then you're not talking about that thing. this thing is amazing. it's like bicycle without wheels or handle bars. yeah, it's a [bleep] chair. it's a chair.
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you know what? let's actually talk about the man and what he stands for. throw ryan up there >> look, we should be talking about real things. this gi has a record. he's a six-term congressman with a reputation as a fiscal conservative. he wants to change medicare. change it into a voucher system. that is going to destroy the program... his eyes are so blue. it's like looking into a smurf's anus. ♪ the dream weaver ♪ i believe he can get me through the night ♪
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♪ dream weaver >> jon: are they really that blue?
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back to the show. my guest tonight, a very talented young actor who we are not going to bring out just yet because of the enormous demand on twitter and social media for more vice president jokes. as we've seen, mitt romney's choice of paul ryan for his running mate has thrilled republicans. democrats probably are feeling rather different emotions >> democrats seem as excited about the pick of ryan as republicans >> as a democrat i'm excited today. putting paul ryan on the presidential ticket is a disaster for mitt romney's campaign >> i did talk to the house
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democrat campaign arm yesterday. the man was very excited about the ryan pick >> he is a right wing ideologue i have heard very few bad thimtion as a human being other than his views. >> jon: my god. with one choice, mitt romney has done what obama couldn't do in three-and-a-half years: unite democrats and republicans. for more we're joined by al madrigal representing team ryan and from the democratic viewpoint jessica williams representing team ryan >> that's right, john. i'm very excited about paul ryan >> and i am very excited about paul ryan as well. >> jon: how can both sides be both equally excited? >> jon, this is a hard line fiscal conservative who will slash the federal budget to the bone (both speaking the same thing at the same time) >> jon: you know you both said the exact same thing just with different intonations
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>> what? no. >> i don't realize that. jon: how are you going to get your message about paul ryan across? >> well, now that the choice is solidified, we're out with a great new a. p. check it out. >> paul ryan wants to cut $700 billion out of medicare and his tax plan would cut top taxes to 1%. paul ryan, the change america wants. pretty impressive. >> well, obviously that's republican talking points. there are some things that people don't yet know about paul ryan but should. >> paul ryan wants to cut $700 billion out of medicare (screaming) and his tax plan would cut top tax rates to 1%. paul ryan, the change america wants? >> that's what i'm talking about. >> jon: thank you. jessica williams and al madrigal, everybody.
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, a fine actor. his new film is called cosmopolis >> how many billions do you two represent? >> she's a poet. (laughing) is that what she is? i thought she was a shiffron >> a little i of both. does she let you touch her personal parts? >> you look gorgeous today. jon: are they in darth vader's plane? please welcome back to the program robert pattinson. ( cheers and applause )
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nice to see you again >> nice to see you. jon: obviously, what have you been up to? >> i had a joke. god dam it. i was all set up and ready to go. now it's meaningless. i was going to say... ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: we're just a couple of gals talking, all right? >> this is how you got me on this show >> jon: exactly. tell me everything. this is a program where i can
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feel awkward in every situation. >> jon: is that true? here's the problem with my show we don't have [bleep] freezer. (screaming) >> that could be really gross. jon: do you like... which is your preference? >> i'm trying to avoid eating because i'm going to... >> jon: you have gotten to be a fat [bleep]. you have to tighten in there. you're going to blow up to 138. so what are we doing here? are you all right? is everything okay? i'm worried about you and you're all right >> i don't know how to approach this >> jon: the ice cream this is a weird thing about
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these interviews. now i'm going to sound like an idiot >> jon: not at all my biggest problem in my life is i didn't hire a publicist. in every awkward interview normally actors get everything scripted >> jon: you're going to come out with an anecdote. so, i hear your summer in france has been lovely. >> i'm going to hire a publicist jon: i think you should. i think you should. although unless you have a time machine... >> either way jon: is it awkward for you? do we have the footage? we had on this show the president of pakistan, the president of the united states. we've had on enormously powerful and historicking figures. this is what was going on outside our show today. and half of them are like old fat guys with cameras trying to
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get pictures of you. is this insanity for you? >> no, i mean i looked at the little note at the bottom of the screen, and i was like, jon, i think you're confused about what this show is actually about and what the real issues in america are. >> jon: what are they? i mean, i think it's like... i mean tonight maybe at other times but tonight it really is a twilight show night. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: it is. this may be... hold on. am i on twitter right now? hash tag jack ass. hash tag old loser. >> this is a great idea though. jon: don't you think? listen, the last time i had a bad break-up, ben and jerry got me through some of the tougher times so i thought you and i
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could bond over this and talk about it. ( cheers and applause ) >> was that an impression of yourself? >> jon: that was me at 17 until about 38. then my voice changed and i got my virginity back. when you are young and you break up, it's powerful and it feels like the world is ending. this is the first time i have seen the world actually react that way, where... it's insanity. here's my wish for you. that you get to handle your business in private, in your personal life. i wish you all the best. i really enjoy talking to you. you're a nice kid. that's all. now we're going to talk about... i'll tell you what i am interestd in. cronenberg, an amazing film
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maker, but i've never met this guy. this guy has got to be an odd duck >> he's the sweetest man in the world. >> jon: i mean, for god's sakes not to give away the plot, you get a prostate exam in a limosine >> i don't think you can give away the plot. people are trying to explain what the movie about is physically impossible. but it's a very kind of eccentric... it's one of the only things i think i'll ever do where i can say i don't think it's going to be made again and it hasn't been made before. regardless of how people see it at least it's something new. >> jon: i think when you are part of a pop culture phenomenon, the ability to do something more eccentric must be somewhat freeing, i would think >> i think it kind of makes it
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more interesting as well. you see through a different lens. people are coming to watch a movie with certain expectations, most of the time they have no expectations. in some ways it makes it more interesting i hope, i think. >> jon: i'm telling you, man, cronenberg, he's a man. if i've never taken l.s.d. and aren't planning on it, just go see a cronenberg movie because it's a similar vibe. is there anything because we do have to go, is there anything you want to say now that everybody who is interested in what you were going to say turned off the tv? as soon as we started talking about the movie they just, "i'm going to go make a sandwich." >> there is one thing. if any twilight fans tuned in, i genuinely want to make cosmopolis have a higher opening weekend than the dark knight. but the problem is it's only
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released in six cinemas. it's going to be a challenge. >> jon: twilight fans you need to start now. >> buy like eight tickets jon: and just sit on top of each other and make some type of twilight fan jenga. i wish you all the best, man. i know you're going through sort of a weird thing right now. cosmopolis opens in new york and los angeles on friday nationwide on august 24. ( cheers and applause )
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>> jon: that's our show. wow. what robert just told me about his relationship, the private details as he was leaving, wow. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. a gold medalist will be here. here's your moment of zen >> the long-term mortality of people with lousy attitudes is no different from people with great attitude. >> so you can be the worst bastard on the earth and you will not die at any greater rate than any other people. people will simply be gladder when you do. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
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>> oh my god! oh, oh! [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> daniel: that's why you should always hug trees at the base. [laughing] >> daniel: welcome to tosh.o. as most of you know i'm a big duke lacrosse fan. always have have been. tonight we magically pull another redemption out of our ass. i give you something worst than
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penny's for halloween and i show videos of you assaulting each other now let's see why you shouldn't climb trees ar trees r puberty. >> ahh! >> what happened? >> daniel: where do i begin. he didn't hreus then school. had sex in the back of a sweet camero with a girl named dawn. now he has a second job cutting down trees that's what happened. >> oh my god! >> daniel: sorry i can't call 911, i have no service. can you climb back up there to see if we can get a signal? sounds like he's having a mind blowing orgasm. what did you land on? what are the odds, huh. [laughing] >> daniel: al qaeda has been ar


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